...And Life Goes On

It's been 5 months and 11 days since last I posted. It doesn't seem like an enormous stretch of time, but let me assure you a lot can happen in such a seemingly innocuous duration. I feel as if I am an entirely different person. For the most part, I am a lot more sombre than I once was, although outwardly I may appear just a spontaneous and happy-go-lucky as ever. I weigh decisions more carefully in my mind, and more completely consider the full ramifications of my actions on myself and others. I am, for want of a better phrase, not the person I used to be. This has not been a simple transformation. It has been the culmination of many contributing factors and forces, acting over time.

First and foremost, is something which I, admittedly, have struggled to come to terms with. I am speaking, of course, of that which I have not openly spoken of thus far. I am speaking of the separation of my parents. After years of fighting and arguments, my  parents decided it would be in everyone's best interests that they live apart. I has been approximately two months since that event, and the turbulence is beginning to die away. Having said that, the turbulence has appeared to die away a few times over the past months, only to reassert itself more and more forcefully. We children have coped to varying degrees, and in different ways. Personally, I have kept my emotions holed up within, and only expressed them when they became too much to bear. This is part of the reason I am blogging this entry now, the other part being that I feel as though you, my readership, deserve the insight into my life you are promised by this blog.

But alas, there has been another source of emotional turmoil. Some time ago now, my relationship with Emily came to a close. By the time I realised anything was wrong, it was well and truly too late to turn anything around, but by no means do I accept responsibility for the breakdown of our relationship. I was unhappy with her decision to end it, but respected it, as I felt was right to do. We haven't spoken since, so I don't know how she feels about the situation and I suppose I never will. Just one of those things, I suppose. After an admittedly too short intermining period, I started what was to be my shortest relationship of five (yes, five). This short-lived fling was with someone whose name I have chosen not to reval, for personal reasons. She made a certain choice that went against my moral standing, and so I called the whole deal off, at which she became somewhat offended. Unjustifiably so, I would say.

And so, two failed relationships and a familial collapse later, here I stand. A close friend of mine recently told me that he "didn't think I was going to pull through there for a little while." I didn't realise I had reached the point that my friends had become that concerned for my welfare, but this statement opened my eyes. And so it is, that I want to give my thanks to you all. To each and every one of my friends and family who supported me, I say thankyou. To every single person who told my to keep my chin up, I say thankyou. And to every individual who was looking out for me, even if I didn't know it then, I say thankyou. I am more grateful than you can ever know.

I have reached a decision. This blog will serve as an emotional outlet. When I feel upset, happy, angry, or emotional about anything at all, rather than bottling it up I will share it with the world right here. Don't get me wrong, there will still be the fun stories and suchlike that you've come to know and love, but there will also, every once in a while, be an outpouring of emotion, which anyone is free to read as they wish. All that I ask is that you do not judge me by those posts alone. Get to know me first, make an effort to understand who I am, and build a judgement of me based on the nature of my true character.

Finally, I would like to thankyou for sitting through this blather. It means a lot.

I love you all, in whatever sense you want me to,

Sledgehammer